I'd like to offer a little wisdom as to why self-compassion can be our greatest ally when faced with life adversities. When support, motivation, and encouragement are needed.
Consider this example; a boy comes home with an "F" on his report card.
The first father reacts like this. "Loser, you should have spent more time studying and less time playing those video games; you'll never amount to anything!"
Father two responds like this, "Ouch, I am sure that doesn't feel great. How did that happen? How can we change this, and do you need my help"?
Which one of these scenarios will have a greater risk of the child having low self-esteem and confidence? Yes, the first one. But the irony is, how often do we treat ourselves as the first father?
Many of us are great at offering others kindness, understanding, and support, but can we, and do we, show ourselves that same compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff has spent over 25 years researching and teaching self-compassion. When I first heard her share the little boy example above, it became apparent how often I reacted like the first dad—to myself!
Where did I learn that criticism and punishment were the paths to more motivation and achievement? I am sure it happened before I was 9; never-the-less how can I change old habits and let go of the old ways, and how could my life change if I was kinder and more compassionate with myself?
Breaking the habit of self-criticism is hard to change, especially when it's been modeled and imposed by some of our closest relationships.
First, we must explore what fears there may be around practicing self-compassion.
Have you convinced yourself that if you were compassionate with yourself, then you may...
Become overindulgent
Become a wimp or weak
Become too airy-fairy
Become selfish or a narcissist
Undermine motivation
However, research by experts like Dr. Neff has proven that it is not true.
Self-compassion actually leads to:
Less shame and guilt
Less maladaptive behaviors
Less body dissatisfaction
Less negative states of mind
To name a few of the gifts and benefits.
Practicing self-compassion can have two aspects—external and internal practices.
Externally, self-compassion may look like saying "NO" and meaning it or consciously removing yourself from a challenging situation. Or sometimes it could simply look like asking for help, against your tendencies.
Although it may appear very subtle, I can assure you the internal practice has the power to transform even the most difficult situations.
Self-compassion begins with an internal dialogue where kindness, acceptance, awareness of shared humanity, and nonjudgment are present.
Allow me to take you through a short practice.
I want to invite you to think of something in your life that feels challenging and/or perhaps an area where you have been judging yourself. If possible, close your eyes and create a short 2-3 second movie in your mind and identify the feeling that is present while holding this movie in your mind.
Once you have the feeling, notice where it lives in your body. Taking a big breath in and a long exhale out… I invite you to repeat these words to yourself:
"This is so hard; I am really struggling right now. This is a moment of suffering. I know that I am not alone. Anyone else in this situation would feel like this. Others are also struggling."
Placing your hand on your heart and taking another deep breath in. Allow yourself to be your own best friend and continue:
"Sweetheart – I am so sorry that you are faced with this. I am here for you, and together, we'll get through this. May I be kind to myself."
Now notice the feeling or sensation in your body after repeating those words. Notice if the grip of the situation has decreased some? Notice if the intensity has changed and if your vibration has softened.
Practicing internal self-compassion may not directly change the external issues, but... imagine what could happen if you felt less charged? Imagine the possibilities if the emotions were more neutralized and if you felt less triggered and more equanimity? How may that impact the circumstances?
Worth a try, right?
I swear that this practice has helped me discover my new superpower, staying calm amidst CRAZY!