Rumi once said, "In order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening."
Consider how present you are when engaging in conversation with others. Are you really listening, or are you distracted, busy thinking about how you can fix or save that person? Maybe lost in your thoughts, or perhaps judging the speaker.
Consciously listening to others is only one aspect of listening. You must also consider, when was the last time you turned the inquiry inward to consciously reflect on your feelings, sensations, thoughts, and needs and then gave them a voice?
The sacred practice of "Deep Listening" is a process of listening to learn. It's a practice to learn about others and one's self. To do that, one must first learn to be present. Because with presence, we invite awareness, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. And this is where we can foster deep connection and intimacy.
When I started working at Kripalu nearly ten years ago, I hosted many and participated in many Share Circles. I had no idea how this subtle practice could positively impact not only my professional life but, most surprisingly, my personal life.
Swami Kripalu knew that this form of conscious communication was essential for personal transformation. In his words, "the key to one's heart rests in the heart of another." He knew that encouraging and developing intimacy between humans and oneself offered a daily opportunity for participants to reflect, share, and be heard. By practicing self-awareness without judgment, was in his opinion, the highest spiritual practice, and it remains the foundation of the teaching still today.
A Share Circle is a practice of Deep Listening. Whether in large circles or smaller intimate groups, this sacred practice follows strict guidelines that when sharing, one can only share from a place of "I." For example, I notice, I feel, I want, I am experiencing.
Next, no cross-talking is allowed—no asking questions, no fixing, no saving. Just be present with the speaker and notice how difficult that can be at times.
The practice is simple and yet profound.
Participants frequently recognize how difficult it can be just to listen, and for many, it is uncomfortable to share what is in their hearts.
It is so much easier to focus on what we see and recognize in others as a way of deflecting or neglecting what may be present within ourselves.
The hardest part, according to many, is when another person is suffering, and as the listener, you feel the discomfort of just letting someone be with their pain. No hugs, no advice, not even, "that happened to me too!"
You see, the brilliance of this work is trusting that each person is on their own path, and part of their soul's evolution is to be with discomfort and find their way through it.
It is especially difficult to bear witness to our loved ones' pain, especially when it comes to our children. But, I know this practice works because over the last ten years, on several occasions, my boys, who are now in their early twenties, have sought me out to share something important.
They say that it's easy to talk to me because I just listen and rarely tell them what to do. I know it's because I simply learned how just to SHUT UP! It is not easy at times, especially when I can see what challenges lay ahead. And I must say there have been times when they shared much more than I needed to know!
Imagine the secret to having them open up was just to listen!
I would argue that perhaps this is exactly what so many of us deeply desire, just a soft and safe place to land our voice and thoughts without feedback or advice.
I am also the first to admit that both of these are hard habits to break. Especially when our job or dominant role is to help, manage, and counsel others. When one's superpower is problem-solving or peacekeeping, or if self-protection means not showing your vulnerability. After all, that may be what has kept you safe, secure and helped you succeed.
However, I suggest it is time to ask, what is the cost? What is the cost of always fixing and saving everyone? What is the cost of not checking in with yourself and having a voice?
You may find that just this simple inquiry may help you transform an aspect of your life.
The practice of conscious communication has the capacity to change and shift our lives in ways never imagined.
So how can you practice deep listening? Rest assured that you don't have to join a Share Circle to experience this form of conscious communication.
You can begin today by noticing your tendencies when in conversation with others.
Can you just be present and remain still with the speaker? Yes, that means not looking at your phone or continuing a task.
Try locking eyes with them while they are sharing.
Refrain from asking questions.
Let them completely finish before responding by taking a long inhale and exhale.
And when responding, consider just saying thank you for sharing or offering a nod or a kind gesture to let them know that they were heard.
Or simply acknowledge the challenge that they may be facing without any advice. "Wow, that sounds really hard."
I can assure you that this will be difficult at first. The gift is to notice how this simple practice changes your energy and/or bandwidth. Also, notice how this practice affects the speaker.
Warning: you may see them coming around more often just to chat!
Inner listening can also be as difficult, especially if you tend to always focus outward or check in with others about how they are doing.
So for the next few days, I'd like to encourage you to begin reflecting daily on these four questions using the acronym N.E.S.T.
N - Notice how you are at this moment in time?
E - What emotions are currently present for you?
S - What sensations are you currently experiencing?
T - What thoughts have been most dominant for you?
This inner reflection can be one of the most compassionate and kindest things you can do for yourself. A reminder that you matter. And if there was someone you could share with, who would it be?
Now that you understand the beauty of "Deep Listening," let's ask the question once again, when listening, am I really listening to others? Do I take time to listen to myself?
Echart Tolle shares:
"That love is the recognition and essence of yourself in others.
The recognition and essence of yourself in others.
The recognition of Oneness The recognition of Oneness.”