When asked how grief is expressed, many would probably say sadness, depression, sorrow, or misery. And yes, all those are true. Yet what if sarcasm, judgment, cynicism, and jealousy could also be grief in disguise?
No one can argue that this past year has been like no other. For many, life has drastically changed. Some may claim for the better, while many others are struggling to just keep their heads above the water. Nonetheless, everyone has experienced changes. A simple trip to the grocery store can feel cumbersome. Going to the bank, dentist, and hairstylist will forever be different. So many of the things that used to take a little effort now take twice as much, often leaving me feeling irritable and snarky.
Now, if I think going to the market is frustrating, I can’t imagine the effort and complexity of raising a school-aged child in these times while holding down a job and working from home! Or what it must be like to be an educator or healthcare worker! Heck, let’s face it, there are very few occupations that are not affected by this pandemic. It has impacted almost every corner of our lives. As much as we have tried to stay optimistic and hopeful that we’ll get through this together, the uncertainty is exhausting and unbearable at times.
Then added to this, there is the physical loss of life, health, careers, and relationships. Both because of the pandemic and other life circumstances.
What if what so many of us are currently are experiencing and perhaps do not recognize it—is GRIEF?
If we looked up the definition of grief, it would say, “Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”
Hmmm, loss of someone or something to which a bond is formed? What about the loss of freedom, predictability, safety, and security? How about human connection, our sense of purpose, and our passions? In essence, any loss that brings us heartbreak, I would say, can contribute to feeling grief!
Grief expert Dr. Joan Rosenberg teaches us that although grief is the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, while grief is the reaction to that loss. And unacknowledged or unaddressed grief can manifest in ways that challenge our overall well-being.
The thing about grief is that it doesn’t have to be just about a current loss but can be longstanding and accumulative, buried deep inside, waiting for the next right trigger to awaken the pain.
Humans are terrific at burying things, especially painful experiences. And, if past grief was never processed, then new pain and heartache can feel overwhelming and insurmountable.
For example, a recent client shared how uncomfortable this pandemic has left him feeling. The unpredictability, stress, and isolation have left him feeling very vulnerable. It reminded him of the challenges he felt during the 2009 financial crisis when he lost his job. When we dug a little deeper, these same feelings were very prevalent when his dad died unexpectedly at the age of 12 – speaking those words out loud just made him weep in ways he felt he had never permitted himself to before. It was a very tender moment, a perfect opportunity to practice radical self-love and compassion.
How do you know if you or someone you know may be struggling with grief? Here are some easy-to-spot physical signs you can keep your eyes open for; if you cry easily, lack focus or energy. You have a strong need to isolate or withdraw. Overworking, oversleeping, eating, drinking, or seeking a substance to help numb the pain. Experts have also discovered that hoarding disorder can also be a symptom of unresolved grief.
Dr. Rosenberg also shares something I find fascinating— grief can also be disguised as the following:
Leftover anger Hostility
Bitterness Negativity
Blame Regret
Cynicism Resentment
Grudges Sarcasm
Judgment Self-hate
Jealousy Long-standing hurt
Isn’t this interesting? I personally found this to be very helpful. These feelings or emotions that I have been experiencing lately— they are grief!
Of course! The current circumstances have undoubtedly been a loss, and grief is what I’ve been feeling. This awareness has helped me transform the discomfort into compassion, which feels so much kinder and gentler than bitterness, blame, and hate. This awareness has also helped me understand and offer compassion with a lot more patience to others who are clearly struggling.
So, you might ask how does one processes or deal with grief? I can share that it’s not a job for the mind alone. In fact, the real work is in the heart.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Give yourself permission to have a good cry and take some deep breaths in between blowing your nose.
Find a trusted person to share your pain with but be sure to ask them just to listen— they don’t have to fix or save you.
Seek an expert or take a grief workshop.
Spend time reflecting on your losses either in nature or on paper by journaling your thoughts, feelings, and memories.
I also found the following journaling question offered by Dr. Rosenberg to be very helpful:
What have you got, but didn’t deserve?
What did you deserve but didn’t get?
What never was?
What is not now?
What will never be?
Acknowledging your loss and allowing yourself to grieve can be the kindest, most loving thing you can do for yourself. Honoring our grief is a wonderful way to build resilience, confidence, and courage, especially in this unpredictable time. A time when we can use all the strength we can muster to persevere.