I was nearly forty years old, and like so many, I had spent years working on my career, building a family, home, and developing a sense of security with my husband. I describe those years as the chapter of chasing, acquiring and making things happen.
Feeling exhausted, lost, and unfulfilled, one day, I came across a book that changed the trajectory of my life—don't you love it when that happens? It was called "The Rhythm of Life," written by Matthew Kelly. This book helped me in so many ways, most notably teaching me how to align my priorities with my values, needs, desires, and dreams. Essentially this book helped me to live more authentically in all areas of my life. Especially those areas that I had neglected—like friendships.
You see, although I've had many friendships throughout my life, several did not survive the limited time, energy, and shifting priorities that define the life I created. However, those that did, some for decades, are wonderful and fulfilling. And for that, I thank Matthew Kelly. He emphasized that if a person can reach the end of their life and say that they have (5) five best friends, they have lived a life well-lived. I took that challenge to heart.
After reading this book, I decided that as a woman, mother, wife, professional, I needed to prioritize my friendships.
Yes, time was limited, and so was energy, so I knew that if I chose to spend time with someone, that person and relationship needed to fill me, not deplete me. I also knew that I didn't have any room to save or fix anyone, a hard habit I've learned to break! I created a vision for what a good friendship looked like and the boundaries to sustain it. I nurtured relationships that shared the same interests and values, such as family, kindness, health, generosity, and integrity. And although life and its complexities do not always allow us to see or connect daily, I know that time, even a pandemic, could come between us, and we could pick up right where we left off.
These few friendships are so very dear to me. We have been there for each other in ways that sometimes partners cannot. We have supported each other through birth, death, divorce, and illness. When necessary, we feed each other, celebrate milestones, call each other to vent, and deeply listen with an open heart. We cry when we feel each other's pain and cry when it is just so damn funny. We share books and movie titles and encourage growth and creativity. We work on projects together, support and celebrate successes, and offer a comforting hug when comfort is what's needed. We don't judge each other, and for that, I deeply love these women I call my friends.
So, what do these friendships say about who I am?
Before I answer this question, I also want to say that I longed to explore and articulate who I was over the better part of the last 20 years. I tried on many hats; some I fit better than others. I have learned some aspects and qualities from the people I am related to and others I tried hard to emulate because I admired those qualities in them, even through a TV screen. Some qualities have helped me, and some have destroyed my sense of self-worth and confidence. I am also proud to say that lots of knowledge and clarity have come from learning through books and workshops, especially silence and meditation. My friendships are another powerful source of self-awareness.
Simply said, we attract who we are! When I reflect on my chosen friendships and begin to describe the qualities in these women that I admire the most, I can clearly see a reflection of myself—qualities such as loyalty, kindness, compassion, health consciousness, love of family, and generosity. They are smart, perseverant, resilient, and hard-working. Some of these qualities I was born with, others I have worked hard at nurturing and cultivating. And for that, I can honor and appreciate the person I see in the mirror.
So, if you want to know who you are, name your five closest friends and the qualities you admire most about them; that will give you a clue.
"If you can spot it, you got it," a phrase I borrowed from a world-renowned life coach, Martha Beck.
Celebrate these qualities, wear them well and nurture the individuals and relationships that reflect them back to you. You will not regret it!